Happy Mothers

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Tuesday, May 6, 2014

HONESTLY, I envy some guys who are in a relationship with several partners whom they serve, honor and love on a day dedicated to Moms.

These distinguished gentlemen, while still married to the Legal Wife, are also tied with other women on a number code basis. There is the other woman (No. 2) and wife No. 3, the trophy girlfriend.

These guys never run out of mother-celebrants during Mother's Day. "It's one of the most stressful times in honor of our beloved," a DPWH engineer disclosed.


The other stress-filled holy day of obligation for polygamous husbands is Valentine's Day. “Aside from financial challenging (in mandatory gifts) it is physically exhausting,” admitted one cheating husband. “One has to make perfunctory love to prove that the old hag is still desirable (may asim pa).”

Most of the lover boys, like the prolific columnist Benjie Pangan, would consider the physical act of the celebration as “mere compliance”. Benjie works double time to meet sundry obligations.

Obligatory love making as conjugal compliance has proved fatal to some aging men whose hearts stopped dead during a furious exhibition. Fatalities often died in line of duty.

Coroners blamed sex enhancing drugs for most of the lovers’ sudden death. We do not fault those who, in the attempt to make the greatest performance in their life, perish in active combat.

Someone I know who carries two extra affairs prepares for Mother’s Day or Valentine Day’s like Cong Yeng Guiao plots a game plan before a championship fight. In basketball as in sex, a 3-pointer makes a difference.

Lover boy undergoes a regimen of gym exercises as well as jogging laps at the memorial park. This is very opposite the sedate and low profile physical build up of our favorite Romeo, the unsinkable and most durable City Mayor Boking Morales of Manoma (Makati North of Manila).

A man with enormous energy and sensual appetite, Mayor Boking usually spends hours at an SM coffee shop sipping his espresso while contemplating on the passing scene. This afternoon meditation cum inspiration by whistle-bait nubile girls is the source of the mayor’s powerful performance, according to his friend CDC PR chief Sonny Lopez.

A Lubao contractor has a duty protocol on a day dedicated to mothers. He makes love with No.2 in the morning then goes home for lunch with unsuspecting wife. At four he fulfills the day’s compliance with No. 3, topped by pancit molo. He goes home at eight, have dinner with his wife who was already bathed with expensive perfume. He wants to appeal for a temporary restraining order due to back pains from his early workout.

“There’s no putting off tomorrow what you can do tonight,” legal wife insisted.

Such was the well known diurnal routine of the late Assemblyman Eller D. Torres, the celebrated Angeles City Fiscal and playboy.

The story goes that in his late years, Eller’s paramour had gradually noticed the erratic, often zero, performance of the lover boy.

The failure was not unlike the loss of Air 21 when the team sputtered for lack of air at the end game. This reportedly compelled the frustrated young girl to rebuke the Fiscal, that henceforth “wala na munang politika, magtayo ka na lang ng vulcanizing shop.”

This Mother’s Day I join Mang Rizal, a self-confessed celibate and the city’s most eligible and hopeless bachelor in observing the occasion without spending. I will be an excited guest at a Buntis Congress, the closest to a romantic affair as I can get.

Mang Rizal, as his usual wont, will have great fun and nuclear grade excitation while watching a breastfeeding demo at a local mall.

Published in the Sun.Star Pampanga newspaper on May 07, 2014.


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