Curve balls-A A +A
Saturday, March 1, 2014
OKAY. 2014 marks my forty-fourth year on this earth. My birthday is not due in a few months but boy, is it coming! It is not so much the years that have come and gone but rather the ‘feathers’ in my cap that I have the tendency to count whenever I know the B day is comin’.
And so lately, I have become overwhelmed with midlife crisis-like feelings. Yuck. It is like my quarter-life-crisis thingy back when I was 29 years old, only more uncomfortable. Yikes! And yes, there is such a thing called quarter life crisis. I didn’t know what it was back then, but I do know. Thanks to my graduate studies in Clinical Psychology!
Why am I writing about not feeling fab being forty? Well, I figured there would be other people feeling just like me. Or, maybe there’s a part of you feeling the way I do, who wants to know that well, there is someone else going through the same thing. Me! I say all these with much candor and in a cheeky kind of way, but in truth some issues can be quite disturbing and disarming. Oh well. And you don’t even need to be forty to say you have gone through it. It pretty much can happen at any point lf one’s life!
I can get really weepy and emotional right now but it is Sunday today and I would prefer that Sundays remain light and carefree! Besides, even when I find myself in these kinds of situation, I always seem to choose to look at the brighter side. Don’t get me wrong though, I believe that everyone should be allowed some self-pitying time, but to persistently dwell on it would be unhealthy and unproductive.
Yesterday morning, I was on my way back from an early Pilates class and I chanced upon my image on the rearview mirror. Eeeek!!! I had a wrinkle on my forehead! Now I get it why my siblings would often call my attention to stop frowning… now I know why. I found myself tugging at the skin of my forehead, trying to make the crease go away but it made my face look like a rolling pin had just ran over it. Arggh! Good thing there are simple tricks to try and lure eyes away from imperfections, red red lipstick is one of them! (In my book, that is!)
Kidding aside, I suddenly found myself sent back to the past..and thinking. If I could, I would gladly go back in time and change a lot of things just to make it better. Believe me, it is not easy to own up to actually feeling this way. I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason and it makes me feel a bit guilty that I would want to change anything in my past simply because it makes me ‘ungrateful’ for having the good things I have now. But wouldn’t it be great if we could go back and do things differently? Sigh. Since there will be no time travelling to the past and the future, we have to do the best we can now, while battling our personal demons. There will be bad and better days, but we should really just have to take with a grain of salt, a lot of hope and of course, prayers.
Honestly, I do not like curve balls. I just feel that I have been thrown a lot of them in my years on this earth. I know we all have been made to take a hit from them at some point in our lives. Sure, it makes us stronger and more appreciative of life but once in a while, I would just like to live a peaceful life, admiring all things beautiful and sunny without having to choose to do so. Don’t you ever feel that way? Like, “Give me an effing break!” Like that.
I guess we all have moments living in the world of blah. Times when we feel that we made the wrong decisions and worse, it is too late to do anything about it. We sometimes have those days when we feel hopelessness creeping in and no matter how bright it is outside, you feel like that there’s a gray cloud over you, following you everywhere. You try to keep your composure, try everything in your power to maintain a positive attitude but deep inside, in your mind, two words keep repeating over and over...
It sucks. It sucks. It sucks.
And we know that there are days like that! When you seem to have all your defenses down and still walls that prevent you from feeling any better keep popping up! You want to fight the good fight but you simply do not have the energy to do so. You want to give it all you’ve got but there is nothing left to do!
Good thing though, nothing is permanent in this world but change. The tides will turn. New leaves will be turned over. The sun will come up. In the grand scheme of things, there is always hope and new beginnings. If you cannot let go of the past, then let it be. Yes, there will be a sad, sore point on your timeline BUT it does not need to run endlessly throughout the rest of your life!! It is true, we cannot have everything. Much as we win, we are also bound to lose some. We have to own up to our mistakes. We have to be brave to move on. There are difficult decisions too, and it is up to us how we can best deal with them. Let’s just keep at it.
Published in the Sun.Star Davao newspaper on March 02, 2014.