How to spot a fake hands-on mom of toddlers

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By Kathy Car

Plonky Talk

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

(AP file photo)


SOME moms fake being hands-on with their toddlers like they perhaps do with their orgasms. Ok, that is just so mean, dearies.

But really, fake hands-on moms are bad for the terribly exhausted, borderline nervous wrecks, real hands-on moms out there. Why? Because they make the real hands-on moms feel miserable thinking they are on the verge of losing it and endlessly wonder how they can be so inadequate compared to these moms who are really good at faking being hands-on with their toddlers.

Further, husbands of the real hands-on moms become discontented, not knowing that their own wives are the heroes, not the sloppy, how-can-she-be-so-good-at-it-while-you-can't-be-mom.

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This article is for all the real hands-on moms out there who might have the time to read this. Please know that you are not alone, we have been through what you are going through. We survived, and so will you. And for those who will not be able to read this, we will understand if you have not been able to read a newspaper in print or online for about a year now...and counting.

This is also for the husbands out there, so that you will know if your wife is the real deal or is just delegating the raising of your kids to the countless surrounding relatives (hello lolos and lolas, titos and titas) or the househelp and yayas in the household when you are not looking.

And lastly, for the single people, so you will not be fooled into thinking that motherhood is a series of cute, picture perfect moments.

So here you go dearies.

1. Long, manicured, nail polished fingernails

You cannot have long nails if you are taking care of a toddler. You will be scared your nails might poke your little one's eyes. Nail polish will also not stick long on your fingers as you constantly clean and brush endless baby bottles, make silly animals with Play Doh and use countless baby wipes. And you are truly blessed if you still have time to have a manicure.

2. Cannot answer what the last poo looked like

Yes, hands-on moms know because we clean after them, because we take note in case our kid's pediatrician will ask about them and we are there in the bathroom as it gets ejected from their little bums.

3. Goes out with a toddler in heels and with jewelry

Oh, you will see the fake hands-on moms in social media with glamorous photos and touching captions about taking care of their toddlers: in her color coordinated clothes with matching bags, heels and jewelry, carrying the little one. Ok, so let's give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she was able to hire a yaya for the all important kiddie birthday party. But on the next event, there she is again, in her heels, perhaps sitting this time, with the little one in her lap at another outing. And then another pair of heels and another set of jewelry in yet another outing. Definitely a fake. There is a yaya, a Grandma or a hands-on dad outside of the scope of the camera's lens.

This is what every real hands-on mom knows, dearies: Toddlers run very quickly and they will pull on your earrings and necklaces and bracelets no matter how many times or how emphatically you say no. That is why toddlers and high heeled shoes and jewelry will never mix.

Dearies, I have nothing against moms who will not or cannot be hands-on with their toddlers. Each of us has our own reasons for raising our kids the way we do. But please, do not pretend that you are.

And for the real hands-on moms out there, feel good about yourselves ---- even if you have not bathed for two days, have not slept for 8 hours straight in one year or have not recently peed with the door closed. You are real.

[Email me at plonkytalk@gmail.com or like my FB page: https://www.facebook.com/PlonkyTalk or check my blog posts athttp://plonkytalk.com]

Published in the Sun.Star Cagayan de Oro newspaper on March 18, 2015.

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